Success and Failure……
Spurred to thought by a friends question about success, and how one defines it, I’ve been thinking about success…and its counterpart…failure. Because how does one truly have one without the other. How do you define success? How do we define it as a society? It is so liquid. Meaning it ebbs and flows, changing from person to person. Do our goals that we set, and meet, then define our success? Or do the failures that we have on the way build our success? And if you have no goals…..are you in effect not successful and thusly a failure? And how many people do we know have “succeeded” but are immensely unhappy? All of this has lead me to two things. One…I may have a bit too much time on my hands, and two…..I must have a need to examine my own successes and failures or I wouldn’t still be thinking about this a week later. I’ve set many goals in my life. Completed many of them. Felt successful. But strangely once that has been accomplished….I find that I move on, and forget the success and focus on new goals…or new failures in not reaching those goals. Interesting. This thought process over the last week has spurred me to look at some past successes…mostly because I of late have felt like a failure………or that I have been failing at many things. More on that later. But I think back to school and college….academic degrees, deans list, president of honor society, etc…..and this dogged determination that paid for school. Was a goal. Honestly never an option in my mind to NOT do well. Success. I just did. After graduation it was to work with abused kids. Did that. Just was never an option not too. Success. In the middle of it never had a goal to get married……but did….and then failed at it. But amongst that failure I believe was great success. I met one of the smartest people I know…and he is someone I am proud to call a friend. We had wonderful times together. So while at the end of it I felt like a failure, if you have this opportunity in life to meet and create wonderful lasting relationships, that cannot be a failure. So is it both? The dissolving of my marriage led me to a career path that I did not enjoy, insurance sales and investments. It was a way to make more money and I knew that I had to be lisc to do it, so I did it. Success. Hated the job but it gave me the marketing skills to move to hospice. Which I loved. Success. Among all of this at one point found myself pregnant, coming to the end of my job, and single. At that time all I could think was failure. This was not part of my plan. Got a new job in 5 days. Figured it out. My husband and I now figured it out. And we are a great success! We work at our successes and failures as a family every day. And we now have the most beautiful two boys in the entire world. Although the kids were never a “goal”. Ironically I never wanted children…..so one of my greatest successes in life has been something that was never a “goal”. I didn’t crave to be a mom, had no desire. Use to laugh and say that my biological clock never got turned on. So maybe there was another plan for me…for us….that I didn’t know about allowing me to become a success. In the midst of it I wonder daily, hourly, minute by minute if I am succeeding at being a mom. But I do not think I am failing….only learning. Interesting. John says I bull dog things, or that I’m stubborn when I get something in my head. I tend to agree. I have to do it. I DO do it. Classic example…we move to Atlanta and I’m a stay home mom for a little while. We knew it would be hard financially at first. He walks in one night, I’m tired and want to order a pizza. We can’t. We do not have the money…for. a. pizza. I have a job in 5 days. Somehow in my head not having enough for the pizza was a failure. So I fixed it. Success. Right? Or just “bulldoggedness”? I end up working for a tiny hospice(15 patients) in a sea of 200 competitors in Atlanta. Someone makes the comment that Grady Hospital is "not an account I want. You will never get in. Theyre entrenched with other hospices" GIVE ME Grady.I wanted in. I am sitting in front of the new CEO within months. Created a new contract. Success. Flat refused to fail. My health. Failure. Can’t seem to fix it. And I research like it’s my JOB daily, read, work out, eat differently, don’t eat differently,….still nothing. I at this point have more knowledge about macros, micros, nutrition content of every fruit, vegetable and protein, what causes inflammation, what doesn’t, what is organic, what isn’t, what’s a neurologist, GP, rheumatologist, naturopath, chiropractor etc.……but failing. Or am I? Because I know have a VAST knowledge base that I never would have had. Which has, on occasion allowed me to help others. But I find lately it is the OVERWHELMING feeling of that I am going to FAIL at getting better that causes me to do nothing. A good friend once said, do not let the sheer weight of what is before you and your fear of failure in effect cause you to fail. That is me. I HATE to feel like I’ve failed. And that fear can be immobilizing. Religion….is there a success or fail here? The obvious answer is yes. Success…you get to go upstairs……fail….well from what I understand it’s all downhill. What about the not so obvious answer? This area is so vast to me, so interesting….and something I have not even begun to examine. Do I believe in God. Absolutely. Do I believe in a God that is hurtful, rigid, condemning? No. I believe He is loving, and forgiving and beautiful. And that he wants us to treat others as we want to be treated. And that we ALL, well aside from a few, probably love the same one. Success? Failure? How about needs to be examined. So upon examination of the ramblings it still begs the question….what is success? I am coming to understand that it is viscously personal. And that maybe it’s not goal oriented, but many times our success come from unlikely unexpected places. But WE individually have to feel, breathe, and accept our personal success. As well as embrace our failures….because among those failures that we so strongly feel and internalize probably lies a great lesson…a success in its own right if you will. So while I’m not sure I have the answer I want, and quite frankly wondering if I have simply been speaking in circles, this rambling has forced me to re-evaluate, and maybe see my “successes” and “failures” a little differently. What is your definition? J
