What we want to have, what we can have, and somewhere in the middle.
There’s a quote that I love. “The hardest thing in life is to be happy with what you have.” This is so true. In all aspects of our life. I think God created us to be curious individuals. To always want more. To want to achieve. Because otherwise we would be a bunch of unmotivated lumps. And how much fun is that? I’ve always been a motivated person. And-in true self-disclosure, found it hard at times to be happy with what I have. This has served me well on some things, and not so well on others. Because it does lend itself at times to an all or nothing attitude. As in I’m going to work my ass off….or do nothing. Not as in “I’m going to do nothing and sit on the couch” kind of thing-but a “I’m going to totally refocus and do something else-at 120percent.” Not healthy. Also may play into my "I have to be the best and in control" issues-but thats a WHOOOLE other story. Ha. Well-as we ALLLLLL know-I’ve always been OBSESSED with fitness. Fitness models, the look, the idea of being that regimented, being able to make your body do things that others can not or will not do, the mind over matter……all of it.” I played with it in college. I fell in LOVE with it in high school though. But I never really actualized this obsession, or turned it into any real reality for me. I came close. But never there. In college and before kids my heart got in the way. Its all wonky. It likes to get too high…even when I’m in fantatstic shape…it likes to really mess with me. Boo. Then kids. Then total and 100 percent complete meltdown of my body of epic proportions. Ok-a bit dramatic. But things have been royally screwed up for years. I am just now getting closer to an understanding of why. And how to fix it. It has literally taken 6 years. Many of those years “wasted” focusing on other things and hoping wishing I would get better. However-I never completely followed through on my end. Remember the all or nothing comment above. I would feel better for a brief span, workout, and start my “clean eating”(which I’m now realizing for me was not doing me any good at all-my clean isn’t someone else’s clean) and then have a bad run of things and well-quit. Just get pissed and quit. This has been the cycle for years. Did I mention that I’ve never been a runner? I’m envious of those that can and do. But I’ve always sucked at the long haul. But I love sprints. Funny how things like that can transfer to real life huh. All this time however I’ve read, studied and learned about fitness and food. How it effects us. How the fitness industry is the way that it is…..on and on. And it wasn’t until THIS YEAR that I started making connections on some things. I’ve had everything ass backwards. And in doing so have created a perfect storm of crap in my own head. The look that I love, the things that I thought I wanted…are not where I need to be. My body has been SCREAMING at me to take care of it, to not give up on it. I have fought it. Every. Step. Of. The. Way. High fat, low fat, low carb, high carb, low cal, meat, no meat…..on and off the wagon. But never about TRUE balance. True nutrition that needs to go in. The true reality is-my body would have never let me do what I THOUGHT I wanted. I would have shut down. I had a doctor look at me yesterday and quite bluntly explain that if we do not fix my underlying probs(hello anemia) that I will not be doing anything. Hello pushing up daisies. Now that is one thing I DON’T want. So. In the spirit of being happy with what I have-I am so thankful that after all this time I think I have some answers. And a bigger plan. For HEALTH. Not a plan for how much weight can I lose, and can I get rock solid quads in the next 3 months. Considering the last few months my actual gym time prob averages to a few times a week at best….I’m guessing the rock hard anything is out the window for awhile. But again, so thankful for the time that I can get in there. My plan just has to change. We can not spend our lives wanting something we can not have. We must take solace in being very very good at and happy with the things we do have. I have a beautiful family. I have days I can not function. So the days I can….I am SOOOOOO grateful for. I try to make the most of that time. And give the boys extra hugs and play time. Husband included. So it no longer becomes what I can or can not have. It becomes about health. And how healthy can I be. For the long haul. For the gold. For the do not give up. That has become my “new” what I want to have. Not the “look” that I have been obsessed with for years. Have you ever had something that you keep in your life, daily……that pulls you down. You want it, you are obsessed with it….but it will quite probably always be out of your reach? Its toxic. It makes you sad. It will eat away at the moments that are beautiful without it. Letting go of that is freeing. This happened to me. This week. So thus the reason for this blog. I LOVE every ounce of my beautiful girls that live the lifestyle that I have watched from the sidelines for so many years. But I also love me more. And recognizing what they have been able to accomplish, and then seeing it as a complete and utter fail on my part is only killing me. Self imposed. And my time that I’ve been given here. Recognizing what I thought I wanted, it was disguised by what I THOUGHT it represented. Health and and to me an ideal. To me what I need, what we all need, is TRUE health. And once I’m there….maybe just maybe I’ll let me re-visit some old desires. A meet in the middle if you will. But not until my personal house is in order. I’m 38. Its time. Besides-40 is the new 20…right? J
