I am slowly posting all of my stories on here. This one...snowed in sickness induced hysteria

Snowed in sickness induced hysteria.

There are two definitions to the above sentence.  (1) As it applies to the mommy.  The feeling that you are going to go completely crazy and become hysterical after dealing with two children who have been sick and snowed in for a week. (2) As it applies to the children.  Forget that they are sick, only recognize being snowed in and become hysterical children running madly through the house, like wild monkeys, for five days…give or take another days 3 for illness. Two totally different things. When combined, frightening.  Allow me to give you a glimpse of today…just to further clarify….

Landon had strep throat, which he gave to me, and then gave to Alex.  I wake up this morning realizing I’ve got to take Alex to doc. I don’t want to move. Hubbies at work, and given that I’ve been sick off and on for over a month, I do NOT want to move.  Well, that and I’m in a brand new king size bed.  That I laid in listening to hubby snore all night.  (side note: and this is NO exaggeration. Hubby has a crick in his neck. Laid down beside me around 11, propped himself up on three pillows, pitifully declares he will never get any sleep because it is too hard to get comfortable, and ON THE NEXT BREATH, a snore come out! Seriously?! For the love!) So I guess until we get a bed that comes included with ear plugs no matter how big it is….we…I…may not get much sleep. Anywho. Go upstairs to get kiddos. They are each holding two cookies.  And there are Reeces candy papers on the floor.  (hubby brought home the candy…these are the things that happen when mommy is sick and doesn’t shop! J ) I look at Alex. Who smiles, cookie in mouth, and says, “I got a cookie mommy!”  Like he won the lottery.  Cough, Cough. “Want one?” um. No thanks. I look at Landon. The known offender in the house. “LANDON, those are for special treats and for daddy’s friend that was here last night! Not breakfast!”  Landon, “Oh.” What is he…16? OK-so bad mommy for not waking up when they did, but now I have to make the decision.  Try to force in some protein to counteract some sugar or just say screw it and go get dressed for dr. Cut off some organic cheese(like the organic parts gonna make ANY difference…!), give them some coconut milk and call it a day.  I throw on the obligatory hat(see previous stories….not getting shower and fixing hair..I’ve only got30 minutes to get there!) and go to make sure they are dressed.  They have boycott MY choice of clothes and are in ALL CAMO. What…are we hunting something on the way? Pick your battles, battle two-Alex and Landon win. (they won battle one-cookie battle by default.) Ground rules for doctors office….do not run in parking lot, do not TOUCH ANYTHING with your hands.  Keep your hands in your pockets. DO not sit next to other children. Do not breathe the same air that other potentially sick kids are breathing. Just. Sit. Still.  Out of car. Landon RUNS to the front door, on ice, through the 2 ft space of snow that is left. Alex follows suit.  Well I guess if he falls and breaks his silly neck we are in the right place to get it patched up.  He arrives at the front door and announces…”Hands in pockets. NO touching!” Hmmmm. Nice. Get into office.  Lose their minds. Hands out of pockets and ON ALL FOURS climb up the steps in the TV room to sit at top and watch a movie.  Then Landon  wipes his nose. With his hand.  My face turns inside out. Momentarily flash to another week at home with mysterious sickness and  start throwing sanitizing wipes at them like life preservers.  Wipe! Wipe!  (Again-mom hysteria) We go back.  Landon, who is TERRIFIED of strep tests, immediately asks nurse if Alex is going to get “the stick in the throat”. You know…the torture device. We discuss it and she agrees to do it easy.  To Alex. Landon also gives her the run down on all of Alex’s symptoms, while playing HOPSCOTCH in a room that is three feet wide. I finally, forcefully, put him in chair. Please stop honeys weren’t getting it.  On with test. Alex opens mouth, nurse takes out sticks, and LANDON looses it.  Literally tears up, ZIPS his jacket all the way OVER his head, flops on to the chairs sideways and starts thrashing.  Time freezes.  Me the nurse and Alex all look at this headless child who is having nothing sort of a seizure. Alex looks at me and I see the “I’m gonna chicken out cause brother seems to think it’s gonna be bad” look in his eyes.  I pull the head out of the thrashing jacket and tell him in no uncertain terms, in front of the nurse, if he doesn’t stop my beating(oops…I mean spanking) will be way worse than the stick in the throat. Hysteria-mine and his.  Nurse seems amused.  Does test, Alex gags, Landon almost pees himself.  Ugh. Move on. Test positive. Doc gives him a once over and while he is commenting on all the hunting gear, Landon begins to discuss that daddy has a gun. Actually three guns. With LOTS of bullets.  That he uses. And they are under the bed. Really?!?! Doc looks at me funny, I look down embarrassed and realize that Alex has been walking around this entire time with his shoes on the wrong feet. Someone. Shoot. Me.  Time to go. To the grocery store for our drugs. Alex, in buggy. Landon, out. Fruit section-no more candy!-Landon wants to help. Takes apple, from bottom row. Yea…ALL the rows were full.  Wanna guess what happens when you take something from the bottom of a tower?! Pass lobsters, freak out to look at lobsters. Look at lobsters. Landon sprints down grocery isle. I realize at some point Alex has gotten free and is doing the same thing. Doesn’t he remember he is SICK? That’s it. I’m done. Home……lunch and strictly imposed quiet time. Get the usual smart mouth. I guess the hysterical, DO NOT MESS WITH MOMMY look in my eyes stopped all that real fast.  During which they fall asleep. Battle three: Mommy! I leave them to their nap, during which I later decide to go check on Alex. He’s on his back. He’s sleeping soundly…except….his lips are BLUE??!?!! What?  Oh no…..he’s not breathing….it’s the strep! He caught a mystery illness at the docs office from the floor! I lunge for him, he wakes up, gives me a very mean what the hell are you doing woman look? Oh, wait. Purple popsicle. Gave him one at lunch. Guess it stains lips blue. Hysteria.  Good news, Landon goes back to school tomorrow. Alex will be well in 2 days, and hopefully all sign of craziness will go away. Well-we will see. Hysteria does make for wonderful stories ! J

Thoughts, fear....acceptance

This I wrote the other day......

Thoughts, fear…acceptance.

Acceptance will find you in strange places. Mine. On a treadmill, 45 minutes in to my gym time, heart rate running at 175bpm, and realizing there were no explosions. Acceptance.  Coupled with crying.  Which can make one look foolish unless you fake like its sweat. J  The acceptance I am speaking of is meeting me where I am.  Realizing where ones happiness lies is fulfilling. Mine….other than my family, is the gym.  But this thing that I crave has been chock full of fear….for about 6 years. (Insert pregnancy and subsequent baby having…and raising).   What use to be an outlet, has turned into my nemesis.  I am REALLY happy lifting. I love, love feeling strong. Cardio , ok mildly happy, J but I do not hate it. My favorite job in the whole world…… when I was a trainer. I am one of the silly ones that gets excited about my gym time.  I STILL to this day read constantly, voraciously  about health, fitness and training.  I could apply this knowledge to anyone, train others.  Myself- I’ve sadly done nothing consistently. I have been my worst client, my worst nightmare.  Life has somehow inserted fear into what was once my outlet, making it a love hate relationship.  A bit of clarification. Landon, my non sleeper for 4.5 years plus 10 hour work days equaled no gym time and a body that almost shut down. Literally.  Which led to a body I only did not recognize but one that felt AWFUL.  Psychologically, simply this sucks.   Move, change jobs, get new job.  And still do not recover. Non-sleeping children and again, workaholic.  Always something. Stupid face twitch a few years ago, heart acting crazy, very strange muscle knot thing in stomach, severe endometriosis, a new knot in tummy(hernia which is now named Fred), and now this stupid head/temple pressure face tingly headache thing. (Sorry, no name for it. J ) All of these things I let, or they did, get in the way of the one thing that I LOVE and that helps me keep my sanity. Why?  Fear.  Fear of being sick, or doing too much, or going too hard……not for me, but fear for my kids.  I could give a rats ass if I puke, or feel bad, or pass out. Have done things in the past to myself I would never do to clients. But I worry about me FOR my kids. Which even as I write it sounds utterly ridiculous.  I do not want to ever leave them without a mom. Do not want to be sick and unable to care for them. I’ve been the type that if something is wrong, and the doc hands me drugs and says “This will make you feel better”….my first question is always “Will it go away without the meds?” If I get a yes….you can bet your ass I won’t take them. (Case in point one quarter of a dose of Percocet  after a c-section, not smart. High pain tolerance?  Probably.  Stupid…absolutely. Was too afraid of side effects for nursing.  Again-fear.  )  I said screw it today and just worked out the way I use to. Pre babies.  Avg heart rate for one hour.  About 170.  Is this what the “standard” avg heart rate should be for someone my age. No.  Did I feel fine. Yup.  Did anything explode.  Nope.  Was my head still doing the pressure tingly thing.  Yes.  Was my heart rate too high for too long.  Who knows. And who cares.  Quite honestly when I was training 6 years ago, 110 pounds and in the best shape of my life how much you wanna bet it did the same thing then. But the difference is….no kiddos, no worries. I just did what FELT right.  And quite frankly it is not even a “reclaiming” an old body issue anymore. It’s the FEELING I use to have of health, wellness, completion that I miss. And then today finally being  really really pissed off that I have let my fear cheat me out of many lost days.  My need for control over all situations beyond my control has cheated me as well.  But today I didn’t care as much.  I just let it go.  And I felt good.  Worked out for an hour without realizing it.  Could have kept going.  And that’s when it hit me.  45 minutes in. I have to accept where I am. What I can do. And do it. Which seems to be such a simple concept.  And then leave everything else alone. Like my dad says don’t worry about it. “There’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”  Do I want to be the girl in the corner doing the HIT training, balls to the wall, or running for an hour consistently?  Yes.  Desperately.  I crave it . Can I do that right now…..no-it makes me feel like crap.  And who knows if I will ever be able to. However, I am capable of much more than now. Have I consistently even taken care of my own personal self in the matter that would allow me to one day be what I can be. No. Fear. It will de-rail you. Fear of failure…failing my family-or God forbid actually trying and failing myself.   So, all this being said, will I still pursue getting my noggin checked out.  Absolutely.  This “non-fear” thing doesn’t lend way to stupidity or neglectfulness.   But I am tired of all the probs that crop up. I can still work out. I can still play with my kids. There are many who can not.  One day that may all be taken from me. Well…it will be. It will be from all of us. And I do not want to have regret  anything, or lived in fear, or not have been who I truly believe I was meant to be.  I recently read a quote that said “Show me what you are committed to now, and I will tell you who you will be in five years.” (Erik Ledin)   So what I am accepting is that commitment  to push a little harder, give way to the fear, and believe that it all works out.  One step at a time. J

My first post on my blog!

Seriously. Too excited to have created a blog. Finally!  Somewhere to post all of my silly stories of the boys, bore everyone to tears with my rants, and generally annoy all of  my friends and family with much to do about nothing. Hopefully I will have a few good "nuggets" from time to time. But, in the meantime, I'm here...wohoooo! More to come! I know you wait with bated breath. :)