Snowed in sickness induced hysteria.
There are two definitions to the above sentence. (1) As it applies to the mommy. The feeling that you are going to go completely crazy and become hysterical after dealing with two children who have been sick and snowed in for a week. (2) As it applies to the children. Forget that they are sick, only recognize being snowed in and become hysterical children running madly through the house, like wild monkeys, for five days…give or take another days 3 for illness. Two totally different things. When combined, frightening. Allow me to give you a glimpse of today…just to further clarify….
Landon had strep throat, which he gave to me, and then gave to Alex. I wake up this morning realizing I’ve got to take Alex to doc. I don’t want to move. Hubbies at work, and given that I’ve been sick off and on for over a month, I do NOT want to move. Well, that and I’m in a brand new king size bed. That I laid in listening to hubby snore all night. (side note: and this is NO exaggeration. Hubby has a crick in his neck. Laid down beside me around 11, propped himself up on three pillows, pitifully declares he will never get any sleep because it is too hard to get comfortable, and ON THE NEXT BREATH, a snore come out! Seriously?! For the love!) So I guess until we get a bed that comes included with ear plugs no matter how big it is….we…I…may not get much sleep. Anywho. Go upstairs to get kiddos. They are each holding two cookies. And there are Reeces candy papers on the floor. (hubby brought home the candy…these are the things that happen when mommy is sick and doesn’t shop! J ) I look at Alex. Who smiles, cookie in mouth, and says, “I got a cookie mommy!” Like he won the lottery. Cough, Cough. “Want one?” um. No thanks. I look at Landon. The known offender in the house. “LANDON, those are for special treats and for daddy’s friend that was here last night! Not breakfast!” Landon, “Oh.” What is he…16? OK-so bad mommy for not waking up when they did, but now I have to make the decision. Try to force in some protein to counteract some sugar or just say screw it and go get dressed for dr. Cut off some organic cheese(like the organic parts gonna make ANY difference…!), give them some coconut milk and call it a day. I throw on the obligatory hat(see previous stories….not getting shower and fixing hair..I’ve only got30 minutes to get there!) and go to make sure they are dressed. They have boycott MY choice of clothes and are in ALL CAMO. What…are we hunting something on the way? Pick your battles, battle two-Alex and Landon win. (they won battle one-cookie battle by default.) Ground rules for doctors office….do not run in parking lot, do not TOUCH ANYTHING with your hands. Keep your hands in your pockets. DO not sit next to other children. Do not breathe the same air that other potentially sick kids are breathing. Just. Sit. Still. Out of car. Landon RUNS to the front door, on ice, through the 2 ft space of snow that is left. Alex follows suit. Well I guess if he falls and breaks his silly neck we are in the right place to get it patched up. He arrives at the front door and announces…”Hands in pockets. NO touching!” Hmmmm. Nice. Get into office. Lose their minds. Hands out of pockets and ON ALL FOURS climb up the steps in the TV room to sit at top and watch a movie. Then Landon wipes his nose. With his hand. My face turns inside out. Momentarily flash to another week at home with mysterious sickness and start throwing sanitizing wipes at them like life preservers. Wipe! Wipe! (Again-mom hysteria) We go back. Landon, who is TERRIFIED of strep tests, immediately asks nurse if Alex is going to get “the stick in the throat”. You know…the torture device. We discuss it and she agrees to do it easy. To Alex. Landon also gives her the run down on all of Alex’s symptoms, while playing HOPSCOTCH in a room that is three feet wide. I finally, forcefully, put him in chair. Please stop honeys weren’t getting it. On with test. Alex opens mouth, nurse takes out sticks, and LANDON looses it. Literally tears up, ZIPS his jacket all the way OVER his head, flops on to the chairs sideways and starts thrashing. Time freezes. Me the nurse and Alex all look at this headless child who is having nothing sort of a seizure. Alex looks at me and I see the “I’m gonna chicken out cause brother seems to think it’s gonna be bad” look in his eyes. I pull the head out of the thrashing jacket and tell him in no uncertain terms, in front of the nurse, if he doesn’t stop my beating(oops…I mean spanking) will be way worse than the stick in the throat. Hysteria-mine and his. Nurse seems amused. Does test, Alex gags, Landon almost pees himself. Ugh. Move on. Test positive. Doc gives him a once over and while he is commenting on all the hunting gear, Landon begins to discuss that daddy has a gun. Actually three guns. With LOTS of bullets. That he uses. And they are under the bed. Really?!?! Doc looks at me funny, I look down embarrassed and realize that Alex has been walking around this entire time with his shoes on the wrong feet. Someone. Shoot. Me. Time to go. To the grocery store for our drugs. Alex, in buggy. Landon, out. Fruit section-no more candy!-Landon wants to help. Takes apple, from bottom row. Yea…ALL the rows were full. Wanna guess what happens when you take something from the bottom of a tower?! Pass lobsters, freak out to look at lobsters. Look at lobsters. Landon sprints down grocery isle. I realize at some point Alex has gotten free and is doing the same thing. Doesn’t he remember he is SICK? That’s it. I’m done. Home……lunch and strictly imposed quiet time. Get the usual smart mouth. I guess the hysterical, DO NOT MESS WITH MOMMY look in my eyes stopped all that real fast. During which they fall asleep. Battle three: Mommy! I leave them to their nap, during which I later decide to go check on Alex. He’s on his back. He’s sleeping soundly…except….his lips are BLUE??!?!! What? Oh no…..he’s not breathing….it’s the strep! He caught a mystery illness at the docs office from the floor! I lunge for him, he wakes up, gives me a very mean what the hell are you doing woman look? Oh, wait. Purple popsicle. Gave him one at lunch. Guess it stains lips blue. Hysteria. Good news, Landon goes back to school tomorrow. Alex will be well in 2 days, and hopefully all sign of craziness will go away. Well-we will see. Hysteria does make for wonderful stories ! J
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