Thoughts, fear....acceptance

This I wrote the other day......

Thoughts, fear…acceptance.

Acceptance will find you in strange places. Mine. On a treadmill, 45 minutes in to my gym time, heart rate running at 175bpm, and realizing there were no explosions. Acceptance.  Coupled with crying.  Which can make one look foolish unless you fake like its sweat. J  The acceptance I am speaking of is meeting me where I am.  Realizing where ones happiness lies is fulfilling. Mine….other than my family, is the gym.  But this thing that I crave has been chock full of fear….for about 6 years. (Insert pregnancy and subsequent baby having…and raising).   What use to be an outlet, has turned into my nemesis.  I am REALLY happy lifting. I love, love feeling strong. Cardio , ok mildly happy, J but I do not hate it. My favorite job in the whole world…… when I was a trainer. I am one of the silly ones that gets excited about my gym time.  I STILL to this day read constantly, voraciously  about health, fitness and training.  I could apply this knowledge to anyone, train others.  Myself- I’ve sadly done nothing consistently. I have been my worst client, my worst nightmare.  Life has somehow inserted fear into what was once my outlet, making it a love hate relationship.  A bit of clarification. Landon, my non sleeper for 4.5 years plus 10 hour work days equaled no gym time and a body that almost shut down. Literally.  Which led to a body I only did not recognize but one that felt AWFUL.  Psychologically, simply this sucks.   Move, change jobs, get new job.  And still do not recover. Non-sleeping children and again, workaholic.  Always something. Stupid face twitch a few years ago, heart acting crazy, very strange muscle knot thing in stomach, severe endometriosis, a new knot in tummy(hernia which is now named Fred), and now this stupid head/temple pressure face tingly headache thing. (Sorry, no name for it. J ) All of these things I let, or they did, get in the way of the one thing that I LOVE and that helps me keep my sanity. Why?  Fear.  Fear of being sick, or doing too much, or going too hard……not for me, but fear for my kids.  I could give a rats ass if I puke, or feel bad, or pass out. Have done things in the past to myself I would never do to clients. But I worry about me FOR my kids. Which even as I write it sounds utterly ridiculous.  I do not want to ever leave them without a mom. Do not want to be sick and unable to care for them. I’ve been the type that if something is wrong, and the doc hands me drugs and says “This will make you feel better”….my first question is always “Will it go away without the meds?” If I get a yes….you can bet your ass I won’t take them. (Case in point one quarter of a dose of Percocet  after a c-section, not smart. High pain tolerance?  Probably.  Stupid…absolutely. Was too afraid of side effects for nursing.  Again-fear.  )  I said screw it today and just worked out the way I use to. Pre babies.  Avg heart rate for one hour.  About 170.  Is this what the “standard” avg heart rate should be for someone my age. No.  Did I feel fine. Yup.  Did anything explode.  Nope.  Was my head still doing the pressure tingly thing.  Yes.  Was my heart rate too high for too long.  Who knows. And who cares.  Quite honestly when I was training 6 years ago, 110 pounds and in the best shape of my life how much you wanna bet it did the same thing then. But the difference is….no kiddos, no worries. I just did what FELT right.  And quite frankly it is not even a “reclaiming” an old body issue anymore. It’s the FEELING I use to have of health, wellness, completion that I miss. And then today finally being  really really pissed off that I have let my fear cheat me out of many lost days.  My need for control over all situations beyond my control has cheated me as well.  But today I didn’t care as much.  I just let it go.  And I felt good.  Worked out for an hour without realizing it.  Could have kept going.  And that’s when it hit me.  45 minutes in. I have to accept where I am. What I can do. And do it. Which seems to be such a simple concept.  And then leave everything else alone. Like my dad says don’t worry about it. “There’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”  Do I want to be the girl in the corner doing the HIT training, balls to the wall, or running for an hour consistently?  Yes.  Desperately.  I crave it . Can I do that right now…..no-it makes me feel like crap.  And who knows if I will ever be able to. However, I am capable of much more than now. Have I consistently even taken care of my own personal self in the matter that would allow me to one day be what I can be. No. Fear. It will de-rail you. Fear of failure…failing my family-or God forbid actually trying and failing myself.   So, all this being said, will I still pursue getting my noggin checked out.  Absolutely.  This “non-fear” thing doesn’t lend way to stupidity or neglectfulness.   But I am tired of all the probs that crop up. I can still work out. I can still play with my kids. There are many who can not.  One day that may all be taken from me. Well…it will be. It will be from all of us. And I do not want to have regret  anything, or lived in fear, or not have been who I truly believe I was meant to be.  I recently read a quote that said “Show me what you are committed to now, and I will tell you who you will be in five years.” (Erik Ledin)   So what I am accepting is that commitment  to push a little harder, give way to the fear, and believe that it all works out.  One step at a time. J