CONFESSIONS OF A DRUNK TOOTH FAIRY

     I’ve been meaning to write this for a few weeks now. Time slipped by and it wasn’t until today when Alex lost another tooth that I thought of it again. I so hope it is received as intended….. quite harmless and a bit hysterical. J

     A few weeks ago-one Saturday afternoon to be exact-I was getting ready to go out with John. We had a date to go to a friend’s birthday party, it had a been a long week-and I was excited to blow off some steam. We had sitters lined up at a friend’s house. Thirty minutes before we are to leave I hear crying from the back yard(not unsual) followed by Landon coming into the bathroom-tears flowing. “Mom-I was playing with Alex, and I threw the Frisbee and maybe it was too hard and maybe it him in the mouth and maybe it knocked his tooth out. Dad said you should come.”  WTH?!  So I go to the back porch and John is holding Alex. Yep. Front TWO teeth are loose. One worse than the other. You’ve got to be kidding me. This is SO payback for his friend Lucky who came for his first sleep over about a year ago, fell off his bike and knocked both of his front teeth out. Well. Almost out. Lucky had to go to the dentist and have them removed. It was not pretty. They haven’t been back. Shocker. Ugh. Alex doesn’t show any other signs of distress, no roots showing or anything so I make the executive decision the party must go on! And on we go. Arrive at friends house and explain to the babysitter that there is a possibility that the tooth may come out, but I highly doubt it. We leave to enjoy our night. And I REALLY enjoyed mine. For those of you who know me know that I rarely drink. Rarely. So when I do it doesn’t take many. We had a great night. Fun, friends….a cosmo here, three glasses of wine there….and its time to go home. It’s 10p.m. I’m happy. Happy with the world. All is good. There is no stress. My week is much better. Our friends have just added a fantastic addition to their back porch. We should stay. Have drinks. I decide YES! A fantastic idea! The babysitter looks at me before she leaves and says “Oh. By the way. Alex pulled out his tooth.” What?! Alex smiles. Toothless. A few drinks in so I think…..oh how cute! Later I realize it will be close to two years before another tooth actually RETURNS to occupy that spot. Oh well. I keep the tooth. Alex is awake. His brother is asleep with his friends. I think that surely Alex will go to sleep soon, and again-another decision is made-let’s stay! I’ll have another drink! Around 12:00 I realize that it’s late!  And I need to get kids home. The tooth fairy must come! Alex is still awake and talking excitedly about the tooth fairy. Uh oh. I think the tooth fairy may have spent her pennies on cosmos….and she wonders silently if her child will take a check. Get home. Kids in bed. And now wait. Waiting for Alex to GO TO SLEEP so the tooth fairy can come. By now the tooth fairy realizes she’s had maybe 2 too many drinks. Possibly. She lost count. Wander upstairs to check on Alex. Nope. Awake. “Hi Mom. Is she here yet?”  Um yes-I mean no! Go to sleep . Please go to sleep. Ill give you money if you go to sleep. Travel back downstairs and get all of my “tooth fairy dust” aka-glitter. And scrape up some cash. Two $1 bills, and more change than I can stuff in my robe and back upstairs the tooth fairy goes.  She here I am, phone in one hand with the flashlight app ON so I can see where I’m going, pockets noisily jingling full of coins, and four bottles of glitter in the other hand. I’m not sure why all four. At the time it made PERFECT tooth fairy sense. And the whole scene goes a bit like this. Enter room. Flashlight on. Open the glitter bottles immediately. (Mistake) I lean over the bed to see if Alex is awake. (Forgetting I'm holding glitter) Shine flashlight IN his face. Brilliant. He stirs around. Damnit. Tooth fairy cusses. Tries to turn off the phone and DROPS it onto the bed. (Keep in mind I have OPEN glitter in my other hand-this is not that evident to me until the NEXT DAY) Grab phone. Turn off light. And freeze. He stops moving. Turn light back on. Have to retrieve the tooth fairy pillow from beside his head. Get it. Remove tooth from pocket. Try to cram all of the change and two dollars into pocket. Won’t fit. Damnit. Throw rest of change under pillow. Figure he will find it. Then remember I must create the infamous glitter trail! Go to open the shutters. Which are stuck. Because all tooth fairies come in through the window…right?! At this point I have probably woke up the neighbors with all of the noise I’m making. Son of a b@#%$h. Evidently drunk tooth fairies have no humor and cuss a lot. Screw it. Throw some glitter THROUGH the slats on the shutters, sprinkle lightly (HA! Yea-not so much. As evident the next morning) the floor-making a trail from the window to the bed and “Just a wee bit” onto the comforter.  Done. Toothfairy retires to her bed and passes out. Well-Alex wakes me up  hollering “MOM! The tooth fairy came!” At 6:30 a.m. Really?! I bet she’s tired since I don’t think she made it to your room til 1:00 a.m.-which was only a 5 and a half hours ago. And her head hurts. “MOM!” Yes Alex. “I think I have glitter on my face. Do I have glitter on my face?”  Yep-in fact you do. Kinda looks like you rolled around in it. OH CRAP! It all comes back. Vaguely. Damn. It.  Bad mommy. Bad tooth fairy.  Get up. Make breakfast. Landon walks in. Looks at bar. “Mom. Why are there bottles of glitter here on the bar?” OH. DEAR. LORD. Think damnit think. “Um……that’s for mommies work. Let me have them.” “What work mom?”  “Just work.” “What work?”  Oh for the love! “Just work! A project or something. LOOK-a deer outside.” (ok-not really but GREAT distraction.) I look on the bar. RIGHT BESIDE the glitter is ALEXS TOOTH! The tooth fairy must have thrown all of it on the bar before she passed out-I mean fell asleep. I snatch it. Quickly. Throw it in my pocket. Decide to go upstairs to check out the scene. There is glitter EVERYWHERE. Seriously. It looks like the toothfairy EXPLODED in the room. Puddles of glitter on the floor, the shutters, the comforter, and where Alex was sleeping. What the hell did I do, take the tops off and stand here and twirl like a mad woman for half an hour? Oh dear. And I’ve gotta clean this crap up. Note to Tooth Fairy. DO not drink. Do not drink and visit small sleeping children. With glitter. And a phone. With a flashlight. And always hide the tooth. Somewhere. Not on the bar. Beside the glitter. Not a preferable spot.

     Ahhhh…..lesson learned. Memories. And as I sit here and type this-tooth fairy duty calls again tonight. But I provide all assurances, she has not been drinking tonight. And she will mind her glitter. J