My Date With Alex….

 

Sooooooo……Alex in hearing about mine and Landons adventures insisted on HIS date to happen today! Originally he wanted to go to Waffle House for breakfast. Whew…..dodged that bullet and this morning he chose a Barnes and Noble lunch date “like we use to have mommy”. When I was a stay home mom this is where he and I went all the time. He would get a huge sandwich, massive cookie, and milk. Then eat the turkey out, drink his milk and eat half his cookie-always saving “more for later mommy”. Today was no different.  I LOVE that he loves this place. Did I mention that this is the same child that walked through the store at age 4.5 and said “Mommy I like the way they (the books) smell.” Ahhhhhh……yes he is so my child. There were no real “opening door” lessons or any of that sort. (Although he did try his best to muscle open the store door for me! :) More of just enjoying each others time.

This is his cookie----and a remake of what brother did with his cake. Big eyes and all. ;)

Next we were off to the fountain to make wishes!

Wishing hard……..

Kinda looks like a plant is growing out of him!

After our wishes….he wanted to “go sit on the statues head”. Brother had sat BESIDE the statue….so in all fairness of constant competition between the two, he had to do something better. Sometimes Alex surprises me. And I must admit its pretty darn funny!

Next on our trip….to go see and old buddy of his! Alex gets SO excited when I tell him where we are going…..partly because “brother didn't go so that means we are doing THREE things mom and you guys only did two.”  Competition. Never Stops.

RUNNING to the next stop.

And here he is! Alex’s buddy! His name is Jalopy. He's a labradoodle. Jalopy’s mommy owns a boutique and let me tell you…..flippin BRILLIANT to have that dog in the store. I cant tell you how many times I was staying at home that I could begged into going to see this dog….and walked out with jewelry or clothes! He brings in more moms with kids! Its also funny how much Alex has grown because when he first met Jalopy they were eyeball to eyeball basically. And even as scared as he was then…he still fell in love with him. Heck we all love that dog. And I was in the mood for a little something new. He visits his friend. I walk out with new ring and earrings. Win win for everyone! So far our date is going GREAT! :)

Another of our friend….cause he's so darn cute!

Here's us together….Alex isn't thrilled about pics with mom….this is the best I could get. He picked out his “date” outfit…..with dads help. Always track pants that are too short (skinny waist long leg problems), a zombie shirt of course, and his neon shoes we just bought. Perfect! :)

We said our good byes to Jalopy and Alex decided he had had enough “date time” and needed more “play time”, so it was time to go home. It made me miss my sweet long days with him. He’s growing up too fast. Maybe next time we will discuss car doors, and compliments. For now….I just love my cookie eating, doggie loving, sweet smiling “baby Alex”. Ill keep him this way as long as I can….he is the last one after all. ;)

Date night…..

 

I made a promise to myself when the boys were old enough we would have date nights together once every few months. They pick the restaurant, what they want to wear and when we go. I want to do this to give me special one on one time with them, create lasting memories, as well as teach them how to “date”. :)  They find this amusing and silly. I'm hoping one day their future wives will thank me! ;) Landons was tonight. The first official date night! We looked like this……

He chose his favorite Under Armor shirt, sleeves pushed up, old tattoo wearing off of arm, and dirty old shoes(although there are new ones in the garage that are now “dirty” from an ice cream making experiment gone bad at school today-whole other blog…). I in my usual jeans and boots.

He was SO excited! He picked Carabas as the restaraunt. He calls it the “fancy” place and asked if we could go there. Of course we can! Happens to be my fave! As I was getting ready he looks at me and says “Mom, you look very pretty.” Be still my heart….and score one on the dating tips I was about to give. ALWAYS tell your date she looks nice! Man he's good! And then I think CRAP…if he already KNOWS the rules at 7 without me telling him….I'm in A LOT of trouble come age 13. Double crap. Moving on. I explain to always open the doors for your date. He LOVES this….and i must say opened every car door for me and store door the entire night. He insisted. Even did it for some other young girls. They giggled and said thanks. Yea. I'm in trouble.

We went to the Avenues for a quick picture session at the fountain and to make a few wishes.

This makes me laugh:

Too stinkin cute…

Make a wish…..

Landon saw this doll just sitting in the bushes….hysterical

Off to dinner we go. Too many options on the menu….and I have to say…gotta love a date who still likes to color. :)

We went all out. I let him order anything he wanted. He was the sweetest….telling me at one point he enjoyed our date. Then it was time for cake. Ooooohhhhh was it time for cake…..

It was AMAZING. And perfect. To top it off…we went to Barnes and Noble, grabbed some books. Then headed home.  A perfect end to a perfect date. He was a gentleman. And sweet. And loving. And he's my Landon. I cant wait until the next one. :)

The Stories of Our Crazy Life: Temporary Post Used For Theme Detection (96e68b4e-...

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CONFESSIONS OF A DRUNK TOOTH FAIRY

     I’ve been meaning to write this for a few weeks now. Time slipped by and it wasn’t until today when Alex lost another tooth that I thought of it again. I so hope it is received as intended….. quite harmless and a bit hysterical. J

     A few weeks ago-one Saturday afternoon to be exact-I was getting ready to go out with John. We had a date to go to a friend’s birthday party, it had a been a long week-and I was excited to blow off some steam. We had sitters lined up at a friend’s house. Thirty minutes before we are to leave I hear crying from the back yard(not unsual) followed by Landon coming into the bathroom-tears flowing. “Mom-I was playing with Alex, and I threw the Frisbee and maybe it was too hard and maybe it him in the mouth and maybe it knocked his tooth out. Dad said you should come.”  WTH?!  So I go to the back porch and John is holding Alex. Yep. Front TWO teeth are loose. One worse than the other. You’ve got to be kidding me. This is SO payback for his friend Lucky who came for his first sleep over about a year ago, fell off his bike and knocked both of his front teeth out. Well. Almost out. Lucky had to go to the dentist and have them removed. It was not pretty. They haven’t been back. Shocker. Ugh. Alex doesn’t show any other signs of distress, no roots showing or anything so I make the executive decision the party must go on! And on we go. Arrive at friends house and explain to the babysitter that there is a possibility that the tooth may come out, but I highly doubt it. We leave to enjoy our night. And I REALLY enjoyed mine. For those of you who know me know that I rarely drink. Rarely. So when I do it doesn’t take many. We had a great night. Fun, friends….a cosmo here, three glasses of wine there….and its time to go home. It’s 10p.m. I’m happy. Happy with the world. All is good. There is no stress. My week is much better. Our friends have just added a fantastic addition to their back porch. We should stay. Have drinks. I decide YES! A fantastic idea! The babysitter looks at me before she leaves and says “Oh. By the way. Alex pulled out his tooth.” What?! Alex smiles. Toothless. A few drinks in so I think…..oh how cute! Later I realize it will be close to two years before another tooth actually RETURNS to occupy that spot. Oh well. I keep the tooth. Alex is awake. His brother is asleep with his friends. I think that surely Alex will go to sleep soon, and again-another decision is made-let’s stay! I’ll have another drink! Around 12:00 I realize that it’s late!  And I need to get kids home. The tooth fairy must come! Alex is still awake and talking excitedly about the tooth fairy. Uh oh. I think the tooth fairy may have spent her pennies on cosmos….and she wonders silently if her child will take a check. Get home. Kids in bed. And now wait. Waiting for Alex to GO TO SLEEP so the tooth fairy can come. By now the tooth fairy realizes she’s had maybe 2 too many drinks. Possibly. She lost count. Wander upstairs to check on Alex. Nope. Awake. “Hi Mom. Is she here yet?”  Um yes-I mean no! Go to sleep . Please go to sleep. Ill give you money if you go to sleep. Travel back downstairs and get all of my “tooth fairy dust” aka-glitter. And scrape up some cash. Two $1 bills, and more change than I can stuff in my robe and back upstairs the tooth fairy goes.  She here I am, phone in one hand with the flashlight app ON so I can see where I’m going, pockets noisily jingling full of coins, and four bottles of glitter in the other hand. I’m not sure why all four. At the time it made PERFECT tooth fairy sense. And the whole scene goes a bit like this. Enter room. Flashlight on. Open the glitter bottles immediately. (Mistake) I lean over the bed to see if Alex is awake. (Forgetting I'm holding glitter) Shine flashlight IN his face. Brilliant. He stirs around. Damnit. Tooth fairy cusses. Tries to turn off the phone and DROPS it onto the bed. (Keep in mind I have OPEN glitter in my other hand-this is not that evident to me until the NEXT DAY) Grab phone. Turn off light. And freeze. He stops moving. Turn light back on. Have to retrieve the tooth fairy pillow from beside his head. Get it. Remove tooth from pocket. Try to cram all of the change and two dollars into pocket. Won’t fit. Damnit. Throw rest of change under pillow. Figure he will find it. Then remember I must create the infamous glitter trail! Go to open the shutters. Which are stuck. Because all tooth fairies come in through the window…right?! At this point I have probably woke up the neighbors with all of the noise I’m making. Son of a b@#%$h. Evidently drunk tooth fairies have no humor and cuss a lot. Screw it. Throw some glitter THROUGH the slats on the shutters, sprinkle lightly (HA! Yea-not so much. As evident the next morning) the floor-making a trail from the window to the bed and “Just a wee bit” onto the comforter.  Done. Toothfairy retires to her bed and passes out. Well-Alex wakes me up  hollering “MOM! The tooth fairy came!” At 6:30 a.m. Really?! I bet she’s tired since I don’t think she made it to your room til 1:00 a.m.-which was only a 5 and a half hours ago. And her head hurts. “MOM!” Yes Alex. “I think I have glitter on my face. Do I have glitter on my face?”  Yep-in fact you do. Kinda looks like you rolled around in it. OH CRAP! It all comes back. Vaguely. Damn. It.  Bad mommy. Bad tooth fairy.  Get up. Make breakfast. Landon walks in. Looks at bar. “Mom. Why are there bottles of glitter here on the bar?” OH. DEAR. LORD. Think damnit think. “Um……that’s for mommies work. Let me have them.” “What work mom?”  “Just work.” “What work?”  Oh for the love! “Just work! A project or something. LOOK-a deer outside.” (ok-not really but GREAT distraction.) I look on the bar. RIGHT BESIDE the glitter is ALEXS TOOTH! The tooth fairy must have thrown all of it on the bar before she passed out-I mean fell asleep. I snatch it. Quickly. Throw it in my pocket. Decide to go upstairs to check out the scene. There is glitter EVERYWHERE. Seriously. It looks like the toothfairy EXPLODED in the room. Puddles of glitter on the floor, the shutters, the comforter, and where Alex was sleeping. What the hell did I do, take the tops off and stand here and twirl like a mad woman for half an hour? Oh dear. And I’ve gotta clean this crap up. Note to Tooth Fairy. DO not drink. Do not drink and visit small sleeping children. With glitter. And a phone. With a flashlight. And always hide the tooth. Somewhere. Not on the bar. Beside the glitter. Not a preferable spot.

     Ahhhh…..lesson learned. Memories. And as I sit here and type this-tooth fairy duty calls again tonight. But I provide all assurances, she has not been drinking tonight. And she will mind her glitter. J

What we want to have, what we can have, and somewhere in the middle.

What we want to have, what we can have, and somewhere in the middle.

There’s a quote that I love. “The hardest thing in life is to be happy with what you have.”  This is so true. In all aspects of our life. I think God created us to be curious individuals. To always want more. To want to achieve. Because otherwise we would be a bunch of unmotivated lumps.  And how much fun is that?  I’ve always been a motivated person. And-in true self-disclosure, found it hard at times to be happy with what I have.  This has served me well on some things, and not so well on others. Because it does lend itself at times to an all or nothing attitude. As in I’m going to work my ass off….or do nothing. Not as in “I’m going to do nothing and sit on the couch” kind of thing-but a “I’m going to totally refocus and do something else-at 120percent.” Not healthy. Also may play into my "I have to be the best and in control" issues-but thats a WHOOOLE other story. Ha. Well-as we ALLLLLL know-I’ve always been OBSESSED with fitness. Fitness models, the look, the idea of being that regimented, being able to make your body do things that others can not or will not do, the mind over matter……all of it.” I played with it in college. I fell in LOVE with it in high school though. But I never really actualized this obsession, or turned it into any real reality for me. I came close. But never there. In college and before kids my heart got in the way. Its all wonky. It likes to get too high…even when I’m in fantatstic shape…it likes to really mess with me. Boo. Then kids. Then total and 100 percent complete meltdown of my body of epic proportions. Ok-a bit dramatic. But things have been royally screwed up for years. I am just now getting closer to an understanding of why. And how to fix it.  It has literally taken 6 years. Many of those years “wasted” focusing on other things and hoping wishing I would get better. However-I never completely followed through on my end. Remember the all or nothing comment above. I would feel better for a brief span, workout, and start my “clean eating”(which I’m now realizing for me was not doing me any good at all-my clean isn’t someone else’s clean) and then have a bad run of things and well-quit. Just get pissed and quit. This has been the cycle for years. Did I mention that I’ve never been a runner?  I’m envious of those that can and do. But I’ve always sucked at the long haul. But I love sprints. Funny how things like that can transfer to real life huh.  All this time however I’ve read, studied and learned about fitness and food. How it effects us. How the fitness industry is the way that it is…..on and on. And it wasn’t until THIS YEAR that I started making connections on some things. I’ve had everything ass backwards. And in doing so have created a perfect storm of crap in my own head. The look that I love, the things that I thought I wanted…are not where I need to be. My body has been SCREAMING at me to take care of it, to not give up on it. I have fought it. Every. Step. Of. The. Way.  High fat, low fat, low carb, high carb, low cal, meat, no meat…..on and off the wagon. But never about TRUE balance. True nutrition that needs to go in. The true reality is-my body would have never let me do what I THOUGHT I wanted. I would have shut down. I had a doctor look at me yesterday and quite bluntly explain that if we do not fix my underlying probs(hello anemia) that I will not be doing anything. Hello pushing up daisies. Now that is one thing I DON’T want. So. In the spirit of being happy with what I have-I am so thankful that after all this time I think I have some answers. And a bigger plan. For HEALTH. Not a plan for how much weight can I lose, and can I get rock solid quads in the next 3 months. Considering the last few months my actual gym time prob averages to a few times a week at best….I’m guessing the rock hard anything is out the window for awhile. But again, so thankful for the time that I can get in there. My plan just has to change.  We can not spend our lives wanting something we can not have. We must take solace in being very very good at and happy with the things we do have. I have a beautiful family. I have days I can not function. So the days I can….I am SOOOOOO grateful for. I try to make the most of that time. And give the boys extra hugs and play time. Husband included. So it no longer becomes what I can or can not have. It becomes about health. And how healthy can I be. For the long haul. For the gold. For the do not give up. That has become my “new” what I want to have. Not the “look” that I have been obsessed with for years.  Have you ever had something that you keep in your life, daily……that pulls you down. You want it, you are obsessed with it….but it will quite probably always be out of your reach?  Its toxic. It makes you sad. It will eat away at the moments that are beautiful without it. Letting go of that is freeing. This happened to me. This week. So thus the reason for this blog. I LOVE every ounce of my beautiful girls that live the lifestyle that I have watched from the sidelines for so many years. But I also love me more. And recognizing what they have been able to accomplish, and then seeing it as a complete and utter fail on my part is only killing me. Self imposed.   And my time that I’ve been given here. Recognizing what I thought I wanted, it was disguised by what I THOUGHT it represented. Health and and to me an ideal. To me what I need, what we all need, is TRUE health. And once I’m there….maybe just maybe I’ll let me re-visit some old desires. A meet in the middle if you will.  But not until my personal house is in order.  I’m 38. Its time. Besides-40 is the new 20…right? J

They should have come with a manual. Or a teacher. Or meds. Or something.

They should have come with a manul. Or a teacher. Or meds.  I thought that this week when I was dealing with "Landon" issues. I am SO ill equipped for this job called parenting. Its been a little over a year now(one year and two months-but who's counting really) since I became a SAHM. (Stay at home mom. Cute little letters....kinda almost make a four letter word....or they are four letters.....but of course mean the exact OPPOSITE of all the "other" four letter words...right...?!)  Anywho.....recently a few hospice companies contacted me about returning to "work". I say this in quotes because I now know I could do that type of work with my eyes closed, two hands tied behind my back while walking backwards for 12 hours a day-in comparison to my "job" now. Someone should have warned me. Sent up a flare. A smoke signal. Sign language. Something. Its kinda like the things that happen to you when you get pregnant. There are MANY details that are left out. Why is this? OH! Yes...its because all the moms do not want you to know about said details and then you have the option of not participating along with them. Cause some of those "details" will make you run for the hills. Seriously(as in NO ONE told me I would pee funny when I was pregnant. Nope. And wasn't that a SHOCKER.) Moving on. :)  These companies called.......I responded. But not with the usual bulldoggedness. I got excited. Responded. But then LEFT them alone to call me. Instead of the usual mad attention I would give these things I let life happen. So....in the middle of these calls that week and this week...my life continues to happen. Alex finds love. With Madison. At school. And they dance. Or as he says "We REAL danced Mom!"  His whole face lit up. The next day he gets in the car. I asked him if he danced with Madison. "Nope. I pooted. And she didn't like my stinkness. So she didn't dance with me."  I almost peed my pants laughing. No, I explained....girls do not like to be pooted on when dancing. The following day Alex gets in the car. "Mom. I didn't poot. And we danced today."  Sweetest silliest sentence ever. I fall madly in love with my four year old....all over again. This I can do. This is what I would miss if I was running around crazy working. This I do not need a guide for.  Landon, during this same time is having a bit of ...um....."transition" difficulty in first grade. Yea....how come when we were in school it was not called "transition difficuly"?  It was called  "being bad. And if you're bad again I'm going to have the principal spank you, and then I will spank you when you get home."  Transition solved. Or rather I never remember having any issues.  Seems Landon is "active" and "social" and "does his own thing", "an independent thinker".  Which translates to "gets in trouble for talking too much and not paying attention...while trying to make the other kids in class laugh."  Will do ANYTHING to make others laugh. Case in point. Older kids on the school bus teach Landon a few not so nice inappropriate hand gestures and words. (See earlier blog about learning awful things on the bus. I just KNEW it would happen. Deep breaths)  Landon goes to class.  Sings a funny song, and SHOOTS A BIRD to the class, in FRONT of the class. I get a note....hand written by Landon that says he will not use "THE" finger in class anymore. Accompanied with a picture of the finger-circled. He IS an artist after all. Someone. Shoot. Me. Now-in his defense he has no idea wha this means. But my first thought is Oh DEAR LORD the teacher thinks we are a bunch of hill billy idiots that run around cussing giving each other the finger all day.  Perfect. Landon and I "discuss" his situation. Alot. For an hour. I know...probably over kill. But I ALSO thought to myself "He wants so badly to please everyone, and make people laugh that he has no impulse control. Which means he will do ANYTHING. Which means he will learn really bad words and use them. And then some kid is going to give him a funny looking blue pill and tell him to take it, and he will because he will want to make everyone happy. Then he will be TOO happy and want more...and then he takes too many and really doesnt pay attention in class and then he will have to go to REAHAAAAABBBBB." All because of the devils on the bus. I hate the bus. He should be a car rider. Its all MY FAULT.  See-Need a manual, or a teacher, orI need a blue pill, or SOMETHING when I had them.  Because I have no clue. And while that may be a bit over dramatic, I do worry. And this was our first, and certainly not least foray into Landon wanting to please others. And he has to be perfect at everything. If he doesnt know something he gets SO upset. And mad. (NO idea where he got that. ;)  So, how could I go back to work in the middle of all of this?  I'm missing a manual on raising them, and certainly cant just "wing it" for a few minutes every day when we get home. Right? :)  Who knows. I will return. But right now, at this moment, minus manuals and teachers and meds.....this is my job. And how I do love it. My other job...it will come....in its own time....when its suppose to. Just like it always does. I think Ill go write a manual....I have some friends who might need it.....;)

Sucess and Failure..........

Success and Failure……

     Spurred to thought by a friends question about success, and how one defines it, I’ve been thinking about success…and its counterpart…failure. Because how does one truly have one without the other.  How do you define success? How do we define it as a society? It is so liquid. Meaning it ebbs and flows, changing from person to person. Do our goals that we set, and meet, then define our success? Or do the failures that we have on the way build our success?  And if you have no goals…..are you in effect not successful and thusly a failure?  And how many people do we know have “succeeded” but are immensely unhappy?  All of this has lead me to two things. One…I may have a bit too much time on my hands, and two…..I must have a need to examine my own successes and failures or I wouldn’t still be thinking about this a week later.  I’ve set many goals in my life.   Completed many of them. Felt successful.   But strangely once that has been accomplished….I find that I move on, and forget the success and focus on new goals…or new failures in not reaching those goals.  Interesting. This thought process over the last week has spurred me to look at some past successes…mostly because I of late have felt like a failure………or that I have been failing at many things. More on that later.  But I think back to school and college….academic degrees, deans list, president of honor society, etc…..and this dogged determination that paid for school. Was a goal. Honestly never an option in my mind to NOT do well.  Success. I just did.  After graduation  it was to work with abused kids. Did that.  Just was never an option not too. Success. In the middle of it never had a goal to get married……but did….and then failed at it. But amongst that failure I believe was great success. I met one of the smartest people I know…and he is someone I am proud to call a friend.  We had wonderful times together. So while at the end of it I felt like a failure, if you have this opportunity in life to meet and create wonderful lasting relationships, that cannot be a failure. So is it both?  The dissolving of my marriage led me to a career path that I did not enjoy, insurance sales and investments. It was a way to make more money  and I  knew that I had to be lisc to do it, so I did it.  Success.  Hated the job but it gave me the marketing skills to move to hospice. Which I loved. Success.   Among all of this at one point found myself pregnant, coming to the end of my job, and single. At that time all I could think was failure. This was not part of my plan. Got a new job in 5 days. Figured it out. My husband and I now figured it out. And we are a great success!  We work at our successes and failures as a family every day. And we now have the most beautiful two boys in the entire world.  Although the kids were never a “goal”.  Ironically I never wanted children…..so one of my greatest successes in life has been something that was never a “goal”. I didn’t crave to be a mom, had no desire.  Use to laugh and say that my biological clock never got turned on.  So maybe there was another plan for me…for us….that I didn’t know about allowing me to become a success.   In the midst of it I wonder daily, hourly, minute by minute if I am succeeding at being a mom. But I do not think I am failing….only learning. Interesting. John says I bull dog things, or that I’m stubborn when I get something in my head. I tend to agree.  I have to do it. I DO do it. Classic example…we move to Atlanta and I’m a stay home mom for a little while. We knew it would be hard financially at first. He walks in one night, I’m tired and want to order a pizza. We can’t. We do not have the money…for. a. pizza.  I have a job in 5 days. Somehow in my head not having enough for the pizza was a failure. So I fixed it.  Success.  Right?  Or just “bulldoggedness”?   I end up working for a tiny hospice(15 patients) in a sea of 200 competitors in Atlanta. Someone makes the comment that Grady Hospital is "not an account I want. You will never get in. Theyre entrenched with other hospices"  GIVE ME Grady.I wanted in. I am sitting in front of the new CEO within months. Created a new contract. Success. Flat refused to fail.  My health.  Failure.  Can’t seem to fix it.   And I research like it’s my JOB daily, read, work out, eat differently, don’t eat differently,….still nothing. I at this point have more knowledge about macros, micros, nutrition content of every fruit, vegetable and protein, what causes inflammation, what doesn’t, what is organic, what isn’t, what’s a neurologist, GP, rheumatologist, naturopath, chiropractor etc.……but failing. Or am I?  Because I know have a VAST knowledge base that I never would have had.  Which has, on occasion allowed me to help others.  But I find lately it is the OVERWHELMING  feeling of that I am going to FAIL at getting better that causes me to do nothing. A good friend once said, do not let the sheer weight of what is before you and your fear of failure in effect cause you to fail. That is me.  I HATE to feel like I’ve failed. And that fear can be immobilizing.  Religion….is there a success or fail here?  The obvious answer is yes. Success…you get to go upstairs……fail….well from what I understand  it’s all downhill.  What about the not so obvious answer?  This area is so vast to me, so interesting….and something I have not even begun to examine. Do I believe in God.  Absolutely.  Do I believe in a God that is hurtful, rigid, condemning? No. I believe He is loving, and forgiving and beautiful.  And that he wants us to treat others as we want to be treated. And that we ALL, well aside from a few, probably love the same one.  Success?  Failure?  How about needs to be examined.   So upon examination of the ramblings it still begs the question….what is success?  I am coming to understand that it is viscously personal.  And that maybe it’s not goal oriented, but many times our success come from unlikely unexpected places. But WE individually have to feel, breathe, and accept our personal success. As well as embrace our failures….because among those failures that we so strongly feel and internalize probably lies a great lesson…a success in its own right if you will.   So while I’m not sure I have the answer I want, and quite frankly wondering if I have simply been speaking in circles, this rambling has forced me to re-evaluate, and maybe see my “successes” and “failures” a little differently.  What is your definition? J