Just Be Normal

JUST BE NORMAL

Wow.  Ok…it seems the world has gone a bit mad.  And with all of the stress, and social distancing (moms I SEE you stuck at home with those babies.  Everyday feels like a bad groundhog day joke.  BLESS YOU) I thought you guys could use a laugh.  It’s pretty well known that I am socially awkward.  The fact that I make a dang living speaking in front of people is not lost on me.  But it seems to do nothing to cure my…awkwardness.  So I have story for you that happened to me this week.  

This week I had to go to Walmart vision center. I needed new contacts and evidently if you “elect” to use your insurance to cover them then you have to come in to sign for them. I did NOT want to go.  Social Distancing and all.  So here is what happened during my outing.

Me “You have to go out. Just be normal. Do not do anything to be awkward or call attention to yourself. “

Also Me: I haven’t been in the optical center 60 seconds when I swear all of the pollen from Baldwin County viscously attacks my throat. I do NOT have allergies mind you. Typically I could lick a tree mid season and nothing. Not even a tickle. BUT OH NO. Not today Karen. Today my throat seizes on me. So I go to simply clear it. Which sets of a coughing fit. That. I. Can. Not. Stop. You know the kind....you hold your breath thinking it will stop it only to make it worse cause then your coughing AND struggling to breathe. At which point I grab some gum thinking it will help. The coughing gets so bad I’m now coughing AND CHOKING on my damn gum. Me. Today. The poor lady that was helping me simply looked at me and gave me “the eye” after the first cough. The second go around that certainly bordered on looking like I needed medical intervention she VISIBLY RECOILED as if I had tased her. Near bout flew half way across the room on her rolling chair. From her 10 foot distance she says to me “ma’am. Do you need assistance? Are you ok” (insert judgey eyes here). I do a quick scan of the room and all four people have STOPPED DOING WHAT THEY ARE DOING and are staring. Standing. Not moving. And  staring. I manage to croak out “no. I’m fine. Just a tickle.” She stares then SLOWLY rolls back to her keyboard and finishes typing in my info....with hands barely touching her keyboard and her butt sticking a good four feet AWAY from the computer....and me. Because that extra distance will surely keep her rear end from catching anything I seem to have. At this point I’m trying not to laugh AND cough for fear of people dropping out of the ceiling in hazmat suits. We finish up, me still slightly coughing into my elbow (which I did away from her the entire time while I maintained a 6 ft distance) and I leave. She all but RUNS from her station to the back carrying a bottle of sanitizer. The MINUTE I hit the front door it stops. Nothing. No coughing. No tickle. Because OF COURSE IT DOES. 

A few things. One....I’m sure I was reported as a “possible case” and poor lady probably called ALL the people and reported a possible exposure. Bless. Two....y’all that have seasonal allergies. Bless you. And do NOT leave your house. Ain’t nobody believin it’s “just a tickle” anymore. Three....I feel so bad for her. Things are so dang scary right now and I’m sure I scared her to death. Bless. Just all of the blessings today for all of the things.

Side note....as I’m leaving the ELDERLY lady that was helping folks check out yells “all that pollen out there gettin to me too. I just shove some Vick’s up my nose every mornin. Works like a charm!” Then she proceeds to open palm wipe straight up her nose.  I. Can. Not. Make. These. Things. Up. 

So as we navigate our new normal, hang in there guys.  Finding things to laugh at every day brings me joy.  Watering my plants, eating dinner with my family, morning and evening walks brings me joy.  Laughing at myself and trying to make light of what seems to be an overwhelming situation brings me joy.  Find the things that bring you joy.  Focus on those.  Extend grace…to yourself, to your family, to others.  Mamas with littles, you get an extra prayer from me.  I seem to be in the “lucky” space which is I have two teens in the house that were already practicing social distancing from the parentals. Bless.  Much love to you and your families as we navigate this time.  We can do this.  We are doing this.  Some of us just a little more awkwardly than others.   

 

 

Breaking point......

 

 

     Everyone has one. You know that point where you justify that it will be easier to get forgiveness than permission. Even after you have been told a billion times not to do something. Something in your head clicks, you say screw it.....and decide that doing whatever IT is will be worth any amount of trouble you get into AFTER you do it. We all have been there. Even sweet Alex. This weekend. I laugh even as I sit here and think about what must have been running through that little head of his when he decided what the hell...I’m doing it. Because I didn't actually SEE the offense. But oh can I imagine. There was a certain build up that happened all day that led to "his moment".  You see the girls next door had a birthday party this weekend. And like the parties for the last few years around here, they become shared parties. There’s only a good 40 ft or so of space between our houses. Just wide and perfect enough to fit water slides and bounce houses. And our kids and their kids just have become one big bunch of all our kids on the weekends. We love it. We love the parties. It’s one of the things we are so going to miss when we move. Saturday was a party day for the girls. And they were having a water slide.  Except Saturday was also one of those days. End of the season ball tournaments back to back for both boys, raining like all crap the night before, boxes stacked to the ceiling at home since we are in the middle of packing to move, and one car since John flew in for the weekend. Alex had been fighting a cold for a week. Not bad but of course on Saturday he wakes up with yellow snot and a nice cough. Perfect. So the decision was made to run Landon and John to their tournament, drop them off, run me and Alex to the dr, then back to finish tournaments and go play at the party. We were hoping we would leave the doctor office with antibiotic script in hand and orders that it will be ok for Alex to play ball and of course slide to his heart’s content. Let me preface all of this with the most the temp ever reached on Saturday was maybe 77 degrees. And overcast. And a bit breezy. And it had been raining. Mother Nature seems to have lost her mind this year and somehow in the middle of May I find myself running around in jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Global warming in reverse? Who the heck knows. All I know is that I have a little boy who is 6 years old and all of 47 pounds soaking wet on a good day. And will shiver violently like a naked polar bear in the middle of the North Pole when its 98 degrees out and a breeze catches him the right way. No body fat. None. Zero. I already foresee a water slide issue. We go to leave and there it is. Mocking him already. This is 9:30 a.m.  It’s huge. It’s blown up. It’s sitting there. Two big fish on the end. Waiting for hours of sliding fun. "Mom I really want to go on the water slide."  "I know buddy. We will see what the dr says." "No mom I AM GOING on the slide."  "Ok Alex we will discuss it later."  Get to the docs office.  I list all of Alex’s symptoms. Cough and snotty nose x 7 days. I then try to look pitiful (as if the no makeup and crappy clothes weren't enough). I explain that "We're moving in 2 weeks. I just can’t have him sick during the move. And it’s the last week of school. And I’m packing. And his dad is out of town during the week. And I REALLY WANT TO TREAT HIM AGGRESSIVELY. Please. And thank you."  Doc looks at me. "Wow. That's a lot. Yea he’s got the same cold that everyone else has." And begins the list of honey, humidifier...blah blah blah. I did not hear antibiotic. I’m shot down. "Nope. Won’t work at this point. If he’s worse in 7 days bring him back. Although he will get worse before he gets better." I stare at him. Like he has two heads. Did he not just hear my IM MOVING story?  Fine. Can he play ball? "I would let him rest today."  Wohoooooo I think. No chasing the ball tournaments in one car. Can he slide on a water slide today? "I wouldn't advise it. It may make him worse."  Oh. Crap.  I hear a very loud sigh beside me. All I can think is "I’m screwed. This is gonna be baaaaad."  Immediately two steps out of office I hear "Mom I want to go on the slide."  "I know buddy but we can’t risk you getting sicker. And you heard the doctor. He said you can’t go.”  ‘I don’t care mom. I’m not sick. I want to go.”  This continues all the way home. And then we pull in. And it takes on a whole new level. He sees the slide. His best friends in the whole world are on it already….one hour before the party. Which is cool because this is the free hour before ALL the other kids come. “Moooooommmmmmmm! I want to go on the slide.”  “I know buddy. I’ve already explained this. You can’t go.”  I drag him inside. He stops at the playroom. Drops to the floor. And then commences for 6 minutes straight to-face down in the carpet while kicking legs- repeat I WANT TO GO ON THE SLIDE. If I were more tech savvy I would insert a video below. Because I took one. You know….to embarrass him with when he’s 16. I’m not. But I’m sure you can imagine. Did I mention John was  at a game with Landon during all of this? I let the fit happen and then pick him up and offer anything. Lunch out, a movie, a new toy…..because it really was breaking my heart. Nope. Nothing works. Pitching a fit continues. So insert MY breaking point.  I decide that’s it. I gather him up and off to Publix we go. For food. He spies the slide. On the way out. Wailing begins. Must remember to pick up booze at Publix. We shop and get back. He had calmed down. But now all the kids are arriving for the party. So we go over to chat some. Well, I do. Alex stands in the middle of the yard-our yard-and pouts. And looks sad. Like he’s lost his best friend. And stares at everyone sliding. It’s awful.  Like some sort of torture. And I’m occasionally getting the evil eye because I am the “torture leader”.  I call him over. He has the shivers just from standing there in jeans and a shirt! I talk to him about this. “No I don’t mom! It’s hot out!” Yea. Boiling. Not really.  Thank goodness about that time John comes home. Then the decision has to be made….do we let Landon slide since Alex isn’t? Because Alex decided it’s not fair for Landon to go if Alex doesn’t. Then LANDON starts crying. I want to cry. So John decides he’s taking Alex bowling and to play video games and I will watch Landon slide. All parties seem in agreement and happy. A few hours pass. They come back. Kids come and go, pizza and cake are eaten. Some kids are even on the trampoline and running around by now so Alex has friends to hang with. Landon is out back playing in the mud. But it’s still there. And kids are still on it. And it’s still taunting him. After a long day I am exhausted and give John the boys. I go in around 6, shower and crawl in to bed to watch TV and rest. Around 6:30 John walks in and says this “You’re child with the good sense, just lost it.”  At first I think “We have one with that???” And then I think-and ask ‘Which one is that???”  He responds “Alex”. John had left the “scene” of the slide for a few minutes to do something. When he came back Alex was ON THE SLIDE. In his clothes. Yep. He broke. At some point, in his little head he decided screw it. He decided that the one slide down that slide would be worth all the trouble he would be in. The damn thing had been taunting him for 8 hours. He couldn’t take it anymore. I laugh just thinking about it. I can only imagine how excited he must have been…after a day long of build up and lots of no’s…..he was just going to do it. And do it he did. John couldn’t get mad at him. I couldn’t either. One-that took balls. I’m not even kidding. And Alex just doesn’t ever act like that. Two-its funny. I mean it’s really one of those moments where you know you should be  mad at your kid, but you can’t and you laugh. Yeah. One of those moments. I wish I could have seen him. At what point did he decide to make a run for it? How fast did he scoot his skinny little cold legs up those stairs? Was he laughing all the way down planning another run at it before John could get out there?  Oh how I wish I could have seen it. John talked to him. Wrapped his shivering little butt in a towel and put him in a hot bath. He came down the stairs afterwards. I put him in bed with me and just asked “Why?”  His response….. “I don’t know mom. I just had to.” Yea. I get it. Breaking point. And sometimes you just have to. J

My Date With Alex….

 

Sooooooo……Alex in hearing about mine and Landons adventures insisted on HIS date to happen today! Originally he wanted to go to Waffle House for breakfast. Whew…..dodged that bullet and this morning he chose a Barnes and Noble lunch date “like we use to have mommy”. When I was a stay home mom this is where he and I went all the time. He would get a huge sandwich, massive cookie, and milk. Then eat the turkey out, drink his milk and eat half his cookie-always saving “more for later mommy”. Today was no different.  I LOVE that he loves this place. Did I mention that this is the same child that walked through the store at age 4.5 and said “Mommy I like the way they (the books) smell.” Ahhhhhh……yes he is so my child. There were no real “opening door” lessons or any of that sort. (Although he did try his best to muscle open the store door for me! :) More of just enjoying each others time.

This is his cookie----and a remake of what brother did with his cake. Big eyes and all. ;)

Next we were off to the fountain to make wishes!

Wishing hard……..

Kinda looks like a plant is growing out of him!

After our wishes….he wanted to “go sit on the statues head”. Brother had sat BESIDE the statue….so in all fairness of constant competition between the two, he had to do something better. Sometimes Alex surprises me. And I must admit its pretty darn funny!

Next on our trip….to go see and old buddy of his! Alex gets SO excited when I tell him where we are going…..partly because “brother didn't go so that means we are doing THREE things mom and you guys only did two.”  Competition. Never Stops.

RUNNING to the next stop.

And here he is! Alex’s buddy! His name is Jalopy. He's a labradoodle. Jalopy’s mommy owns a boutique and let me tell you…..flippin BRILLIANT to have that dog in the store. I cant tell you how many times I was staying at home that I could begged into going to see this dog….and walked out with jewelry or clothes! He brings in more moms with kids! Its also funny how much Alex has grown because when he first met Jalopy they were eyeball to eyeball basically. And even as scared as he was then…he still fell in love with him. Heck we all love that dog. And I was in the mood for a little something new. He visits his friend. I walk out with new ring and earrings. Win win for everyone! So far our date is going GREAT! :)

Another of our friend….cause he's so darn cute!

Here's us together….Alex isn't thrilled about pics with mom….this is the best I could get. He picked out his “date” outfit…..with dads help. Always track pants that are too short (skinny waist long leg problems), a zombie shirt of course, and his neon shoes we just bought. Perfect! :)

We said our good byes to Jalopy and Alex decided he had had enough “date time” and needed more “play time”, so it was time to go home. It made me miss my sweet long days with him. He’s growing up too fast. Maybe next time we will discuss car doors, and compliments. For now….I just love my cookie eating, doggie loving, sweet smiling “baby Alex”. Ill keep him this way as long as I can….he is the last one after all. ;)

Date night…..

 

I made a promise to myself when the boys were old enough we would have date nights together once every few months. They pick the restaurant, what they want to wear and when we go. I want to do this to give me special one on one time with them, create lasting memories, as well as teach them how to “date”. :)  They find this amusing and silly. I'm hoping one day their future wives will thank me! ;) Landons was tonight. The first official date night! We looked like this……

He chose his favorite Under Armor shirt, sleeves pushed up, old tattoo wearing off of arm, and dirty old shoes(although there are new ones in the garage that are now “dirty” from an ice cream making experiment gone bad at school today-whole other blog…). I in my usual jeans and boots.

He was SO excited! He picked Carabas as the restaraunt. He calls it the “fancy” place and asked if we could go there. Of course we can! Happens to be my fave! As I was getting ready he looks at me and says “Mom, you look very pretty.” Be still my heart….and score one on the dating tips I was about to give. ALWAYS tell your date she looks nice! Man he's good! And then I think CRAP…if he already KNOWS the rules at 7 without me telling him….I'm in A LOT of trouble come age 13. Double crap. Moving on. I explain to always open the doors for your date. He LOVES this….and i must say opened every car door for me and store door the entire night. He insisted. Even did it for some other young girls. They giggled and said thanks. Yea. I'm in trouble.

We went to the Avenues for a quick picture session at the fountain and to make a few wishes.

This makes me laugh:

Too stinkin cute…

Make a wish…..

Landon saw this doll just sitting in the bushes….hysterical

Off to dinner we go. Too many options on the menu….and I have to say…gotta love a date who still likes to color. :)

We went all out. I let him order anything he wanted. He was the sweetest….telling me at one point he enjoyed our date. Then it was time for cake. Ooooohhhhh was it time for cake…..

It was AMAZING. And perfect. To top it off…we went to Barnes and Noble, grabbed some books. Then headed home.  A perfect end to a perfect date. He was a gentleman. And sweet. And loving. And he's my Landon. I cant wait until the next one. :)

The Stories of Our Crazy Life: Temporary Post Used For Theme Detection (96e68b4e-...

The Stories of Our Crazy Life: Temporary Post Used For Theme Detection (96e68b4e-...: This is a temporary post that was not deleted. Please delete this manually. (37b568df-ccc5-4d62-a5b0-6f0de7920d56 - 3bfe001a-32de-4114-a6b4-...

CONFESSIONS OF A DRUNK TOOTH FAIRY

     I’ve been meaning to write this for a few weeks now. Time slipped by and it wasn’t until today when Alex lost another tooth that I thought of it again. I so hope it is received as intended….. quite harmless and a bit hysterical. J

     A few weeks ago-one Saturday afternoon to be exact-I was getting ready to go out with John. We had a date to go to a friend’s birthday party, it had a been a long week-and I was excited to blow off some steam. We had sitters lined up at a friend’s house. Thirty minutes before we are to leave I hear crying from the back yard(not unsual) followed by Landon coming into the bathroom-tears flowing. “Mom-I was playing with Alex, and I threw the Frisbee and maybe it was too hard and maybe it him in the mouth and maybe it knocked his tooth out. Dad said you should come.”  WTH?!  So I go to the back porch and John is holding Alex. Yep. Front TWO teeth are loose. One worse than the other. You’ve got to be kidding me. This is SO payback for his friend Lucky who came for his first sleep over about a year ago, fell off his bike and knocked both of his front teeth out. Well. Almost out. Lucky had to go to the dentist and have them removed. It was not pretty. They haven’t been back. Shocker. Ugh. Alex doesn’t show any other signs of distress, no roots showing or anything so I make the executive decision the party must go on! And on we go. Arrive at friends house and explain to the babysitter that there is a possibility that the tooth may come out, but I highly doubt it. We leave to enjoy our night. And I REALLY enjoyed mine. For those of you who know me know that I rarely drink. Rarely. So when I do it doesn’t take many. We had a great night. Fun, friends….a cosmo here, three glasses of wine there….and its time to go home. It’s 10p.m. I’m happy. Happy with the world. All is good. There is no stress. My week is much better. Our friends have just added a fantastic addition to their back porch. We should stay. Have drinks. I decide YES! A fantastic idea! The babysitter looks at me before she leaves and says “Oh. By the way. Alex pulled out his tooth.” What?! Alex smiles. Toothless. A few drinks in so I think…..oh how cute! Later I realize it will be close to two years before another tooth actually RETURNS to occupy that spot. Oh well. I keep the tooth. Alex is awake. His brother is asleep with his friends. I think that surely Alex will go to sleep soon, and again-another decision is made-let’s stay! I’ll have another drink! Around 12:00 I realize that it’s late!  And I need to get kids home. The tooth fairy must come! Alex is still awake and talking excitedly about the tooth fairy. Uh oh. I think the tooth fairy may have spent her pennies on cosmos….and she wonders silently if her child will take a check. Get home. Kids in bed. And now wait. Waiting for Alex to GO TO SLEEP so the tooth fairy can come. By now the tooth fairy realizes she’s had maybe 2 too many drinks. Possibly. She lost count. Wander upstairs to check on Alex. Nope. Awake. “Hi Mom. Is she here yet?”  Um yes-I mean no! Go to sleep . Please go to sleep. Ill give you money if you go to sleep. Travel back downstairs and get all of my “tooth fairy dust” aka-glitter. And scrape up some cash. Two $1 bills, and more change than I can stuff in my robe and back upstairs the tooth fairy goes.  She here I am, phone in one hand with the flashlight app ON so I can see where I’m going, pockets noisily jingling full of coins, and four bottles of glitter in the other hand. I’m not sure why all four. At the time it made PERFECT tooth fairy sense. And the whole scene goes a bit like this. Enter room. Flashlight on. Open the glitter bottles immediately. (Mistake) I lean over the bed to see if Alex is awake. (Forgetting I'm holding glitter) Shine flashlight IN his face. Brilliant. He stirs around. Damnit. Tooth fairy cusses. Tries to turn off the phone and DROPS it onto the bed. (Keep in mind I have OPEN glitter in my other hand-this is not that evident to me until the NEXT DAY) Grab phone. Turn off light. And freeze. He stops moving. Turn light back on. Have to retrieve the tooth fairy pillow from beside his head. Get it. Remove tooth from pocket. Try to cram all of the change and two dollars into pocket. Won’t fit. Damnit. Throw rest of change under pillow. Figure he will find it. Then remember I must create the infamous glitter trail! Go to open the shutters. Which are stuck. Because all tooth fairies come in through the window…right?! At this point I have probably woke up the neighbors with all of the noise I’m making. Son of a b@#%$h. Evidently drunk tooth fairies have no humor and cuss a lot. Screw it. Throw some glitter THROUGH the slats on the shutters, sprinkle lightly (HA! Yea-not so much. As evident the next morning) the floor-making a trail from the window to the bed and “Just a wee bit” onto the comforter.  Done. Toothfairy retires to her bed and passes out. Well-Alex wakes me up  hollering “MOM! The tooth fairy came!” At 6:30 a.m. Really?! I bet she’s tired since I don’t think she made it to your room til 1:00 a.m.-which was only a 5 and a half hours ago. And her head hurts. “MOM!” Yes Alex. “I think I have glitter on my face. Do I have glitter on my face?”  Yep-in fact you do. Kinda looks like you rolled around in it. OH CRAP! It all comes back. Vaguely. Damn. It.  Bad mommy. Bad tooth fairy.  Get up. Make breakfast. Landon walks in. Looks at bar. “Mom. Why are there bottles of glitter here on the bar?” OH. DEAR. LORD. Think damnit think. “Um……that’s for mommies work. Let me have them.” “What work mom?”  “Just work.” “What work?”  Oh for the love! “Just work! A project or something. LOOK-a deer outside.” (ok-not really but GREAT distraction.) I look on the bar. RIGHT BESIDE the glitter is ALEXS TOOTH! The tooth fairy must have thrown all of it on the bar before she passed out-I mean fell asleep. I snatch it. Quickly. Throw it in my pocket. Decide to go upstairs to check out the scene. There is glitter EVERYWHERE. Seriously. It looks like the toothfairy EXPLODED in the room. Puddles of glitter on the floor, the shutters, the comforter, and where Alex was sleeping. What the hell did I do, take the tops off and stand here and twirl like a mad woman for half an hour? Oh dear. And I’ve gotta clean this crap up. Note to Tooth Fairy. DO not drink. Do not drink and visit small sleeping children. With glitter. And a phone. With a flashlight. And always hide the tooth. Somewhere. Not on the bar. Beside the glitter. Not a preferable spot.

     Ahhhh…..lesson learned. Memories. And as I sit here and type this-tooth fairy duty calls again tonight. But I provide all assurances, she has not been drinking tonight. And she will mind her glitter. J

What we want to have, what we can have, and somewhere in the middle.

What we want to have, what we can have, and somewhere in the middle.

There’s a quote that I love. “The hardest thing in life is to be happy with what you have.”  This is so true. In all aspects of our life. I think God created us to be curious individuals. To always want more. To want to achieve. Because otherwise we would be a bunch of unmotivated lumps.  And how much fun is that?  I’ve always been a motivated person. And-in true self-disclosure, found it hard at times to be happy with what I have.  This has served me well on some things, and not so well on others. Because it does lend itself at times to an all or nothing attitude. As in I’m going to work my ass off….or do nothing. Not as in “I’m going to do nothing and sit on the couch” kind of thing-but a “I’m going to totally refocus and do something else-at 120percent.” Not healthy. Also may play into my "I have to be the best and in control" issues-but thats a WHOOOLE other story. Ha. Well-as we ALLLLLL know-I’ve always been OBSESSED with fitness. Fitness models, the look, the idea of being that regimented, being able to make your body do things that others can not or will not do, the mind over matter……all of it.” I played with it in college. I fell in LOVE with it in high school though. But I never really actualized this obsession, or turned it into any real reality for me. I came close. But never there. In college and before kids my heart got in the way. Its all wonky. It likes to get too high…even when I’m in fantatstic shape…it likes to really mess with me. Boo. Then kids. Then total and 100 percent complete meltdown of my body of epic proportions. Ok-a bit dramatic. But things have been royally screwed up for years. I am just now getting closer to an understanding of why. And how to fix it.  It has literally taken 6 years. Many of those years “wasted” focusing on other things and hoping wishing I would get better. However-I never completely followed through on my end. Remember the all or nothing comment above. I would feel better for a brief span, workout, and start my “clean eating”(which I’m now realizing for me was not doing me any good at all-my clean isn’t someone else’s clean) and then have a bad run of things and well-quit. Just get pissed and quit. This has been the cycle for years. Did I mention that I’ve never been a runner?  I’m envious of those that can and do. But I’ve always sucked at the long haul. But I love sprints. Funny how things like that can transfer to real life huh.  All this time however I’ve read, studied and learned about fitness and food. How it effects us. How the fitness industry is the way that it is…..on and on. And it wasn’t until THIS YEAR that I started making connections on some things. I’ve had everything ass backwards. And in doing so have created a perfect storm of crap in my own head. The look that I love, the things that I thought I wanted…are not where I need to be. My body has been SCREAMING at me to take care of it, to not give up on it. I have fought it. Every. Step. Of. The. Way.  High fat, low fat, low carb, high carb, low cal, meat, no meat…..on and off the wagon. But never about TRUE balance. True nutrition that needs to go in. The true reality is-my body would have never let me do what I THOUGHT I wanted. I would have shut down. I had a doctor look at me yesterday and quite bluntly explain that if we do not fix my underlying probs(hello anemia) that I will not be doing anything. Hello pushing up daisies. Now that is one thing I DON’T want. So. In the spirit of being happy with what I have-I am so thankful that after all this time I think I have some answers. And a bigger plan. For HEALTH. Not a plan for how much weight can I lose, and can I get rock solid quads in the next 3 months. Considering the last few months my actual gym time prob averages to a few times a week at best….I’m guessing the rock hard anything is out the window for awhile. But again, so thankful for the time that I can get in there. My plan just has to change.  We can not spend our lives wanting something we can not have. We must take solace in being very very good at and happy with the things we do have. I have a beautiful family. I have days I can not function. So the days I can….I am SOOOOOO grateful for. I try to make the most of that time. And give the boys extra hugs and play time. Husband included. So it no longer becomes what I can or can not have. It becomes about health. And how healthy can I be. For the long haul. For the gold. For the do not give up. That has become my “new” what I want to have. Not the “look” that I have been obsessed with for years.  Have you ever had something that you keep in your life, daily……that pulls you down. You want it, you are obsessed with it….but it will quite probably always be out of your reach?  Its toxic. It makes you sad. It will eat away at the moments that are beautiful without it. Letting go of that is freeing. This happened to me. This week. So thus the reason for this blog. I LOVE every ounce of my beautiful girls that live the lifestyle that I have watched from the sidelines for so many years. But I also love me more. And recognizing what they have been able to accomplish, and then seeing it as a complete and utter fail on my part is only killing me. Self imposed.   And my time that I’ve been given here. Recognizing what I thought I wanted, it was disguised by what I THOUGHT it represented. Health and and to me an ideal. To me what I need, what we all need, is TRUE health. And once I’m there….maybe just maybe I’ll let me re-visit some old desires. A meet in the middle if you will.  But not until my personal house is in order.  I’m 38. Its time. Besides-40 is the new 20…right? J